Breaking up

When a friend breaks up with her long term older (very much older) boyfriend and a bunch of you take her out the same night to talk and take her mind off things....it's a long time coming but you hope this time she will stick to it.

It's troubling how people are stuck in their relationships. There are good times but the inevitable will happen...they won't be together forever but they still stay together...

That's the thing I find disturbing in a relationship. The emotions and physical intimacy that is difficult to let go of. ARgh.... Although it might seem enjoyable, "love", and you might learn from it, it doesn't make it right.

I don't understand. I wish that things didn't have to be this way. But they always will be...

You'll always see this more evidently in non-Christian relationships. And sadly between Christians too.

Sometimes I wonder if it's easier with having a Christian mentality when it comes to relationships but within a context of a relationship between two non-Christians. The pool is certainly larger...not sure about the quality but quantity it sure is.

Marriage (trust)

"I don't know.

I love him Aaron.

I just..I know I can't control him. It's the hardest part about all of this."

"Trust always is with an alcoholic. But if you can't trust Mark, who can you trust?"

-Flashforward. Season 1, episode 5 "Gimme some truth"


Trust within a marriage...who can you trust? Without Jesus at the center I wonder how married couples do it. Christian couples don't even do it right...however she had it right saying she knows she can't control her husband. Control doesn't work in a relationship, love does.

The excitement about something

I'm 34 hours away from finishing my last exam ever (of undergrad studies anyway, and I don't plan to do anymore uni related studies).

Hopefully no more than a few days away from finishing the last assessment of uni...practicum report (DON'T LEAVE IT THIS LATE, else you'll have to sit the next round of graduation like me).

And if all goes well with passing, I am done.

HOMESTRETCH..!

Taking a few steps backwards to reflect the past week and a half.

Handing in thesis 2 days late without proofreading on at noon on Wednesday was terrible however it's in, and that's what matters. The experience of not having slept properly since the Thursday before was incredible. 39.5 hours had passed without sleep during the overlap when I handed in the printed hardcopies for marking.

I think I did another 34hour no sleep stint the day commencing the day before the actual due date of thesis (Monday), and prior to that the last hours of sleep I had was approximately 3 hours.

In summary not much sleep was happening for about 7 days. Since then completed a group modelling project, finished the last contaminant and fate transport assignment, a day of nothing (Saturday) but streaming Glee episodes from casttv.com and commenced a few hours of study for this last exam.

I guess what I'm trying to write about is, I'M EXCITIED. I'm excited about something I don't know about. I just feel it. Something exciting is going to happen. With uni coming to a close soon, if all goes well and even without a job lined up (due to lack of applying/trying, but it'll pick up soon) something great will happen.

After church tonight and a couple of hours infront of the tv interchanging between Rove and the conspiracy movie, I flicked to opening past assignments to prep for the exam. Then after one question, my mind flicked to planning all these things buzzing in my mind to do before bustrip. Lots of projects such as:

• a few videos
• tidying up some things for uni/thesis project
• youth group related
• number of people that catch ups have been long overdue
• the regular catchups

Wow. There's just so much to look forward to. The list didn't even include the beach, stupid stuff, running..hopefully, catch up on watching loads of DVDs, catch up on playing guitar hero over a few beers, reading catchup on theology stuff, INTERs camp, more video projects, seeing the construction of the house in Baldivis develop. Like wow. That in itself is exciting. Maybe that's it, that's what I'm excited about, all these things coming together to make a great summer.

Although the only downside is knowing me, I plan all these things but not all of it happens. However it's still exciting to know there's heaps to draw from. And it's great to know that God has it all in his hands with all that we plan because it's not entirely up to us. He will guide us through with all that we plan, rebuke the bad plans, and encourage the fruitful ones.

Looking forward to it all, even the frustrations that will come with these plans, as much as I dislike knowing that.

As for what life like will be in the future. I think instead of seeing the year like uni semesters and holidays as I always have the past few years during uni, I'll see and remember the future in seasons. Either that or in school terms because of youth group.

I wonder what autumn is going to look like. I'm excited!

Graphing Physical Intimacy

hahaha I find this image funny because with thesis due date looming in one week and the number of figures and graphs I still need to complete...is nothing compared to the simplicity of this graph regarding physical intimacy. It speaks so much.

Taken from "Sex and the supremacy of Christ" ed. John Piper and Justin Taylor

3 of the articles I posted before this one is in this book. Lawrence writes that he's not suggesting a new set of boundaries not to cross in regards to the figures, but to reconsider what it means to be physically intimate between a man and a woman. Interestingly Carolyn McCulley touches base about emotions and the depth you share banters with male colleagues (if you're a female). I wonder if the book talks more about emotional intimacy and what the bible has to say about it.

I like how McCulley in the 'sex and the single woman' chapter writes that "our most important identity is not being single; it's being saved." In my head the same would apply for any stage of our lives whether widowed, married, 'dating', single, young, old.

Our identity is in Christ, our status is saved. He is glorified!

The more I read about these articles or stuff about relationships, sex etc. the more I'm convicted about what I stand for and want to follow. It's radical compared to how most Christians think. It's challenging because I know I'll get teased for it (and already have), it may 'decrease' chances but I guess I'm not willing to commit or willing to invest in a guy and compromise my or his identity in Christ. Perhaps partially I'm afraid to go down the path I knew I was weak in. No point testing how strong I am now. It seems so much harder in a culture where we have a choice in a partner...

In all honesty I don't really believe that it'll decrease chances or "I'm not helping myself much" having such views/standards. If that were so, it'll seem I'm trusting that outcomes are based on works and I'm blessed by what I do or how godly I am or whatever. God doesn't really work like that if I understand his grace.

Hopefully the next post will be about a different topic. I guess I've been posting more so on these topics because I'm surrounded by it at the moment or perhaps...distracted/disturbed by it.

The game and playing it biblically

Wow wow wow wow wow.

This really challenges so many norms that the game is currently being played in Christian circles. Even within CU, if we assume that CUers generally go through sound biblical teaching. Application of what we learn is another ball game but if we stick to the generalisation and assumption that being taught with sound teaching would imply correct application is happening.

Reading three articles related to relationship prior to marriage. Many hit home and I personally connected mostly with the first article. I think the articles also apply to females. I've quoted or summarised what stuck out most for me for each article below.

I have always thought if I ever do get into the game again how would I play it out having observed so many relationships (secular and non-secular) and understanding that biblical standards is nothing close to what our culture depicts. Also knowing that these biblical standards is not matching the relationships I observe between Christian couples as well! This is a challenge...as I watch my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ...what part do I play?


1. What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like? -Scott Croft

"In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship, commitment precedes intimacy."

"The motive for dating or courting is marriage. The practical advice I give the singles at our church is, if you cannot happily see yourself as a married man (or woman) in less than one year, then you are not ready to date."

"prior to the decision to marry, he should always engage with her emotionally in a way he would be happy for other men to engage with her."


2. Physical Intimacy and the Single Man -Matt Schmucker

Is it unacceptable or acceptable for a married man to:

• have sex with a woman who is not his wife?
• kiss, caress, and fondle a woman who is not his wife (something short of intercourse)?
• have a meal with a woman not his wife and engage in extended conversation about each other's lives (likes/dislikes/struggles/pasts)?

If unacceptable was answered for 2 or 3 out of the 3 questions then a double standard exists!


3. Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend -Michael Lawrence

"To date her just long enough to discern if you're willing to love her sacrificially"

Association

Had a few more thoughts coming through related to the previous post.

It was not so much that I am associated with second best, more so that I am the second best that is associated with so and so. If you have ever heard the secular term "pissing in your own pool" then perhaps you may connect with what I am trying to say.

As for the gossip floating through other people's minds, it is not so much that I would personally feel hurt, but more so if others who have may been associated with the person before may be hurt by the talk going around. Secondly, although I do not personally feel hurt by the gossip, I should be aware that it encourages others to gossip and in result there may be the need to make effort to remediate the issue.

As for people's past, I think the issue was much more so being aware of how they may have dealt with situations, with people, their character and how I would I react to it. And whether they have learnt, made necessary changes, or grown from their past...

Basically at the end of the day, the problem is not their's, but mine. The need to judge people objectively especially if I do not know them well and most importantly through God's eyes, not only through my own.

Pride

Take it away. A way to fall beneath the reality of where you stand is when you become proud.

I think I have a pride that is not good. A bias, a judgment against Christians who have been tainted (there's a better word for this but can't put a finger on it right now). Funnily it's not like I'm any different.

Second best.

It does not matter when I think about how I understand God's grace. If grace has taken hold of me and I no longer am under the sinful nature then why should someone's past matter anyway if they have fallen under the same grace of God?

Perhaps it is being viewed by others that I'm associated with second best. The residual, the left over. But if that is the case then wow....I make others look like losers. What about me? I'm the residual, the lost loser, which Christ chose to have mercy on and befriend. My dodgy past he's taken away. I am righteous before God through the redemptive work of his dead and resurrection.

The approval of others, the gossip floating through the minds of other Christians. It is important to live in wisdom by seeking the advice of others and weigh up how someone's history could possibly influence their or my actions in the future, however at the end of the day it is about God's approval. You make a choice, in hope that God did approve your choice. If not, he'll still use it to work out his purposes.

Scattered thoughts.

Mutual Encouragement

At Albany airport about to board the plane to Perth on 25/9/09, 16:00 after 5 nights and 5 days working with Kim Brooksbank (supervisor) on my final year project. Thanks Kim!

Whilst in Albany I learned a couple of things so that I understood more about myself.

• If I were to have very minimum contact with Christians, I would find it quite difficult to be on fire for God I think...
• Also working in a secular job and not doing anything else or have much contact with Christians I probably won't survive the job.

Well I know I will survive because with God's strength he will enable me to keep looking towards him and be thankful in my circumstance. Phil 4:13.

All this has led me to think that I would love to share life with someone closely through all that...

Therefore if I am blessed in this lifetime a marriage partner where we both are able to mutually encourage each other by our faith (Rom 1:12) would be a very awesome bonus in this life. But not a necessity. He'll bless us with others in the same faith so that we are able to do what Paul felt in Rom 1:11-12. I felt that in particular with some Christian friends here in Perth.

It's good to be back although I wished I could have stayed longer in Albany as it help heading into the office where Kim works everyday. Now it's cramming time to finish thesis, present the project findings and complete other unit assessments for the next 4 weeks before exams.

6 year old correspondences

Procrastinating, yep that's right another assignment due in 15 hours.

Okay so now what, 6 year old correspondences is the topic. Part of my procrastination is to check my email a thousand times. I'm flicking through some preeeety old emails, that is from my email prior to the current one I use now because I know nothing new is going to come through my current email at this time of the night/morning, so why not read even older ones in the old email I created during highschool.

I'm chuckling because I could bring out a gag bucket reading the correspondences I'm looking at from 1st-2nd year of uni. Aah, young love, so naive and quick to jump into writing whatever is on the mind without much maturity or caution to guard each others hearts. As the dates progress the tone of the emails change, from naive love, to frustration and tension. hahaha, it's amusing and for the unlikely people who read this, if you're going through any sort of frustration/issues/sadness, you'll most probably laugh or just smile about it in a few years time. So try not to feel too bad about it now and/or hang on to it for too long...

Most importantly if you know God, the real thing to look forward to is heavenward in Christ Jesus (Phil 3:14b). Rely on him.


ps. I quote part of a sentence I wrote in one of the correspondences "deep down I'm just really lost, confused, hurt and a nut case"

nut case....HAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm so glad I'm able to laugh at myself.

5 degrees 2:51am

Five degrees at 2:51 in the morning and I'm attempting to finishing off an assignment that's only worth 10% and a hydrodynamic model which I probably only understand about 30% of it....And obviously getting distracted youtubing or reading people's blogs. At least I'm not mentally giving up yet... =\

I was reading Kat's blog about her fears and anticipation of her future and her worth. Her open public honesty is something I can't describe. It's interesting because I know what she's thinking regarding about being unmarried by a certain time. I haven't felt that fear yet...well I hope I never feel it because it is something I think about now and then but I haven't felt regrets, fear, unhappiness about the circumstance I am in. I think I tend to accept the situation quite comfortably and look forward to what I definitely know which is the blessed hope, heading home with Christ.

Yes it is quite exciting to get married, raise up toddlers, kids, teenagers, young adults, go through the good and bad with a husband and serve God together as a family! But how much more exciting it is to reunite with God's family for eternity. I can only look past the present, and past the future of this lifetime. I am not certain of 5 years, 10 years, 50 years down the road but am certain of God's promises. Meanwhile, we just gotta keep running the race under his amazing grace!

Acknowledging Kat's thoughts.

And always acknowledging you LORD who is trustworthy.

=]
J

My Heart

Change my heart oh LORD.

Help me to "act in a manner worth of the gospel of Christ" (Phil 1:27a NIV) and that my "love may abound more and more in knowledge and discernment so that I will be able to approve what is excellent and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of you!" (Phil 1:9-11, ESV)

Right now my mind goes back to most that has happened early on this year till now. Mostly things early on in the year till around semester one. There are things I have done that were wrong towards others, things that were done wrong to me, but also things that were great during times spent with friends, friend. Most of all I want my heart to be lead in the direction that is worthy of God. Not to please myself but to please him who does not disappoint.

He did not, he does not, he will not disappoint. God keeps his promises.

You are my Jonathan

True friends are so valuable as you are able to confide in them the troubles you have. Especially when you are not able to articulate yourself yet able to be understood. And even after the conversation and the troubles are still there, just having talked and praying with them is such a blessing.

God's really blessed me with different kind of friends that I can talk to about different things. As for family, although most times I don't feel that close to, there are things I can talk to them about in which I wouldn't with friends.

One of the closest friendships you can observe in the bible is between David (King of Israel after Saul) and Jonathan (Saul's son). The loyalty and love they had for each other is so strong that Jonathan is willing to action out for David so that he will not die when his own father, King Saul was plotting to kill him. This meant that Jonathan will not take the throne after Saul as long as David lived, however he was willing to forgo that as his fear is in the LORD. You can read how they parted and loved each other as true friends in 1 Samuel 20. Previous chapters will give more insight to how it had lead to their separation.

Yesterday I had a David and Jonathan moment with Jasmine as things were a little overwhelming within a 2 hour period and my head was left in a troubling state since. Thankfully I went to a talk on the Global Health Shortcourse series that evening and Jasmine came along. She offered a lift back and catching up and praying after was awesome! Thanks Jasmine! Desiring God and finding joy in him is the only way to full satisfaction despite circumstances.

Futurama Couch Potato

A few things I have learnt about myself the past couple of weeks. I have the ability to sit infront of the TV and just enjoy munching on food and watching episode after episode of Futurama.

It's great because they are only 20mins each and therefore a just right amount of time to amuse the mind. It's not too long that you need to set aside long periods of time to watch it, and not to short that a story isn't developed in a single episode. There is wit, character development and story connection and growth from episode to episode.

Bender's Big Score the first Futurama was witty, well built and not confusing despite the amount of time travel that occured and brilliant in the way it connected with all the episodes from the first 4 seasons. You get a lot more out of it if you have watched many of season 1-4 episodes.

Loving the couch potato, el cheapo, popcorn in hand in front of the TV and Futurama.

Less human power and wisdom

'Little Women' by Louisa M. Alcott.

One of the chapters that hit me "what a good book this is" was during chapter 8. I think it will be the one highlight of the book and remember which chapter it came from. It is about 15 year old Jo's anger and stubbornness towards forgiving her sister who had wronged her early in the chapter. Only does she realise later how her impatience leading to spite against her sister that she came close to losing her sister to death during angry and unforgiven terms.

She learns from her mother who has the same problem as her during her age but over the years have learned to control her (Jo's mother) temper and also through the help of her husband's patient character. I love the words from her mother who comforts Jo at the end "If I don't seem to need help, it is because I have a better friend than Father to comfort and sustain me. My child the trouble and temptations of your life are beginning, and may be many; but you can overcome and outlive them all if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness of your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one. The more you love and trust him, the nearer you will feel to him, and the less you will depend on human power and wisdom. His love and care never tire or change, can never be taken from you, but may become the source of lifelong peace, happiness, and strength. Believe this heartily, and go to God with all your little cares, and hopes, and sins, and sorrows, as freely and confidingly as you come to your mother."

I guess that hit home because I have an impatience in me that isn't good and I dislike it. It comes our particularly on people that are closest and I think it is because normally I am angry or annoyed at myself for something and take it out on them which isn't right. I know one of the key traits I would look for in a husband is his patience to counter mine. There is much to work on.

Resolution

Personal resolution from emotional ups and downs usually come about when there is a realisation of the situation. Realisation that you have been focusing on the wrong solution, or been asking the wrong questions in search of a solution. Most of the time that realisation is the what stands between the person and God, and the person's attitude towards the outcome God provides.

If we're always arguing with God, why why why, it's not going to allow us to go anywhere because we're getting bogged down by questioning the God who knows all, who was there from before the beginning, the one who runs the entire existence of world and beyond. If we're not humble enough to accept his control, we won't be able to control ourselves and the situation. The realisation will not emerge and the resolution will not settle.

However crying out why to God is not a bad thing. He longs for us to be honest and bring our troubles to him. I guess it's more so the way we go about.

Wrong question,

Wrong attitude,

No solution?

Think again.

Exams again and the power of words

Time period: 2009 sem 1 exams, week 2

I've been following Kat's (Fyffe) blog for the past couple of days and it's incredible to read what goes on in her mind. It feels like as if I've been interacting with her when I haven't physically seen her (or interacted with her properly) probably since summer really, but did once at Broadway at uni when she was hanging with Josh a few weeks back. It feels like I can connect with what she's feeling now about their breakup because of her posts.

That reminded me of my old blog I started with livejournal because Kat uses that, (no surprise that it was starting during a period I was working on a major assignment...procrastination) and so I flicked to it. The posts then (old as 2005) was able to hit me as well. It's strange how words can communicate the inner thoughts. Even words as old as that. This reminds me that even more so incredible is the power of the word of God, even more ancient stuff that is very much alive and cuts the heart at all levels!

On a thought level I guess I'll mention (no one reads this anyway) that a friend (that I consider a friend of significance) who I felt has been aloof the past few months is back! During the aloof period it felt like there was a massive canyon/void between us that for some reason sometime I felt cut. I hope that he doesn't go aloof again as there is really only the remainder of this year left where we are both on the same campus. It's harder to maintain contact when circumstances and lifestyle changes. However it's great to have him back for now in which I have happily commented twice to him.