Months Later

Need creativity. Craziness. It has been too long without colour.

It has been 9 months site based for work now. There is now a guitar, digital piano in the donga I stay in at the village. I do not practice as much as I like to. I was routinely running / exercising for months till roughly 3 months back now. Lacking motivation after a long days work even though I know the extra is beneficial. It is getting difficult being in the field all the time keeping track of the fixes and closing off on paperwork at the same time.

Currently on R&R at the moment feeling empty when it comes to people.

There is this sense of "fake", "boring" when they come to mind. This is clearly not true of all people, but walked out feeling it acutely on my last swing. Perhaps feeling low that people are willingly to talk honestly about others without saying it to the subject's face whom they are talking about. Or perhaps this whole tip toeing around the client without telling them as it is. Perhaps there is a tact to how to say it and is yet to be developed as it comes with experience. No one is perfect and of course I say things about people without them always knowing it first hand even if most of the time I would have said it at least once to their face. Sometimes indirectly ( / hypothetically) when the hypothetic is not a theory but reality.

It is very difficult to be godly in such a situation and difficult to remind myself who I am. That my attitude / feeling / behaviour does not reflect who I ultimately am trying to become.

Feels like I am hole digging. On the upper hand, I bought a new set of felt tip coloured pens. They are cool, perhaps I may get back into some pen on paper artistic streak which probably will not be a lasting project. heh. Also stumbled across a common verse that "our struggle is not against flesh and blood" a good reminder there is a greater spiritual battle going on behind the scenes of the above nonsense I have been writing.